I'm Donnie darko

 Dear Roberta Sparrow, I have reached the end of your book and... there are so many things that I need to ask you. Sometimes I'm afraid of what you might tell me. Sometimes I'm afraid that you'll tell me that this is not a work of fiction. I can only hope that the answers will come to me in my sleep. I hope that when the world comes to an end, I can breathe a sigh of relief, because there will be so much to look forward to.

She tells me I don't have to see her twice a month as I had been...tells me it's an ass needed basis. I read this as me just being "ok" I know this may be the last time we have our sessions..
" you know...i didn't even know if I should have come in the first place...i didn't know if it was that bad..."
she laughs..."oh it was !"


I left knowing that the past was going to have to stay there more often. Problem is that it isn't as easy. Problem with being a victim of your mind...you try to explain it to someone and they usually don't care. With disabilities...if you're not visibly disabled people forget. My time getting therapy was hard for me...i was on paxil...i took medication for panic attacks....
...with PTSD it's like filling a flask with say..jack...you pour and slowly and surely it fills up. You never know how much is left...but at some point it's going to spill out. Problem is that it's just never the same. Anxiety is dependent on the day and your state of mind.
I think you get tired of asking for sympathy sometimes because it's not something you want but something you need.
see I relate to the titular character in Donnie darko.
when I first saw it I knew I found someone in cinema I could relate to.
all of my life I've been told I'm smart...just always been a prisoner of my own mind. I can accept this as can my closest.
the one person I can trust the most to understand and not make a judgments is my best friend squared he understands because he's just been through panic attacks and episode after another.
we're never told in Donnie darko what the breaking point was..that moment his family realized this was a mental health issue...but his parents...while not understanding the issue fully know there is one and are compassionate.

Donnie: [to his mother] How's it feel to have a wacko for a son?
Rose Darko: It feels wonderful.
if I'm having a bad day my mom will ask me if I've medicated..i think she knows it's bad largely because of an incident where I took a few too many anxiety pills and she had to drive me to the hospital as I passed out.
mental disability requires a support structure. Just seems impossible to find when people don't understand.

His romantic ideas were shaped by a misreading of the movie "the boy who could fly"

Near the end of Tom and Summer's 500 days together, they go to a matinee of The Graduate, and as they watch the final scene (Dustin Hoffman and Katharine Ross in the back of the bus, staring numbly ahead), Summer weeps miserably, while Tom appears transported by the romance of it all. With impressive economy, that image captures the gulf between these two characters' experience of love; he sees only the promise of togetherness, and she sees only the inevitability of loss.

when I was little I loved a movie about a boy who would fly...dont ask me how I discovered it or how my parents felt it was ok to show me a movie (repeatedly) about a couple that in the end nearly commit suicide at school... but I saw it..a lot...like A LOT...this had a tie with "never ending story"...so in order to get the moral orel of it all I need to tell you about the flick in case you (the reader...whoever you are) haven't seen it...

so this family moves to a new house (mom, daughter Milly...the protagonist...her kid brother played by a pre "wonder years" Fred savage and a dog) the father had commuted suicide post a bout with cancer (which btw just makes it more fucked up when the mom witnesses her daughter jump off a building RIGHT in front of her...more on that later). They need a fresh start and they move in next to an alcoholic (herman Munster dude) and the titular character...Eric...

Eric is in a state of perpetual shock due to his parents dying in a plane crash as his uncle explains that was when he "started trying to fly" he'd go to the roof and extend his arms to the heavens..trying to fly as if he wanted to save them...

now to the movie buff ...this was an attempt at cashing in on the whole "superman" hype of the 80s (it's basically a huge "can you read my mind" send up)...but to a kid like me it was amazing..but see I wanted a "happy ending".

Ok see Eric had a ball hit his head because he couldn't catch it and he just wasn't there...Milly tried to break on through but wasn't able to. Milly and Eric end up running through the school trying to escape officials including cops, teachers, a psychologist..all while this town fair is happening...Milly and Eric wind up on the roof where Milly confirms with Eric that he can fly...and they leap off the building as her mother screams in horror below (they swoop over her) they fly home...share a tender moment and Eric flies off....

now as a kid I envisioned an ending where Eric snapped out of his shock..and was just well.."normal." don't knock the kid part of me as not having progressive ideas...but chew on this...we're taught that love can cure the fractured....a kiss can wake someone up from a coma, a kiss can turn a beast into a handsome prince etc etc etc.
we're taught that love can cure all. See there's this cat Stevens song "moon shadow" about how the individual singing the song (and by extension all of us) are being followed by a "moon shadow"...a metaphor of course for the inevitable entropy we will experience as living flesh...so if our ideas of love are based on this idea that love will inevitably save us...i can't be as blamed for growing up with this fractured idea...
at it's core "The boy who could fly" is about meeting someone as fucked up and fragile as you are..someone who's lie reflects yours etc..and finding some sort of Zen together. In the end nothing changes...sure Erics uncle hugo stops boozing, pre Kevin Arnold beats the bullies with a water gun of piss, mom learns computers...but the world is still fucked. Dad doesn't come walking through the door cancer free and not dead...but maybe the moral orel of it all is that in the end wishing for a better ending is all we have ...because of that pesky moon shadow...till then our happy endings are never finite but momentary. You can't want to change someone you can only work with what's there I later learned. We just all have to be our own happy endings...a series of daily happy endings. Every happy ending being a wish for the best.

after Eric and Milly flew in front of the entire town, Eric flies away, never to be seen again]
Milly: [narrating] That night, I found out why Eric flew away. Our house was crawling with people who wanted to see Eric Gibb, the boy who could fly. There were scientists and doctors and TV reporters. When they couldn't find Eric, they did tests on me, because I flew with him. They did tests on Uncle Hugo, too, because he was a relative and had the same genes. Then they took everything out of his room and sent it to some laboratory. I guess Eric was afraid they'd do the same to him. Everyone had a theory on how Eric was able to fly. But there was one I liked the best.
Mrs. Sherman: [on TV] Well, Eric always dreamed of flying, so maybe if you wish hard enough and love long enough, anything is possible.
Milly: [narrating] Mrs. Sherman was right. Eric made us believe that anything is possible if you really try.

Love kills: The alex cox tattoo

I had my first actual planned out kiss on the night princess Diana died.
I was dating a girl named veronica and we were at a party. We sat on the front steps and it happened. When it was over and I was riding home in the back seat of my moms car (we had gone with her to some family thing) the news came on. I just kept looking up at the stars. Veronica was the type of girl who dressed in black and was very much of similar personality with Lydia in beetlejuice.

 I was in love...i mean sexuality for me has always been sort of something not concrete.
the thing is that after my turbulent upbringing she was the first person I allowed into my life.
"hell is for children" etc was her motto..her long sleeved dresses covered self inflicted wounds. "hey Sid and Nancy Is on next week...can you record it?"
didn't know anything about sid vicious at the time. Veronica had a thing for him and she came over and watched the flick. Thing is that I saw what she was attracted to..the desperation. I think it was why we were attracted to each other. She was a kid from the projects...i was from a broken home.
I carried veronica with me for years after. Couldn't help but watch sid and Nancy alone when it was on.
now Alex Cox really only made three notable contributions to cinema...all cult movies...
-sid and nancy
- repoman
- the screenplay for "fear and loathing in Las Vegas"
10/18/13. I went with my Jewish friend shmu to book soup and we sat listening to Alex Cox talk Kennedy assassination conspiracy. I had my vinyl record of "sid and Nancy" ready. I asked him to sign a paper so I could get a tattoo and told him I was going to get the tattoo next to Penelope spheeris who had done the other quintessential Los Angeles punk movie (he pointed out "suburbia" came out the same year as repoman).
"I've never been a tattoo before!"
a week later I got his signature and Richard kellys tattoo inked using the papers they had signed. I burned the papers when it was done
..right across the street from the place I had my first kiss. I'm queer..and happily so...but can't help but think of all the things that were and could have been.

The killing moon: The Richard kelly tattoo

At one point I went from tattoo shop to tattoo shop on Hollywood blvd with a laptop asking for a price estimate on a tattoo idea. I had my Donnie darko DVD frozen to a scene where the titular character had written a countdown to the end of the world on his arm with marker...

nobody got it...one guy told me I "should print it out and bring it in." finally I found one guy who did my tattoo freehand. It was an important tattoo for me because it was specific to a time in my life. The first time I attempted cohabitation with someone I loved was in my early twenties. I fell head over heels for one guy. He was a projectionist in a cinema who once took me to the projection booth...which for a film geek is amazing. He loved French new wave and geeky cinema. We dated for a few moths and ultimately timing worked and when I moved to my north Hollywood apartment with my roommate I brought him a long. We had our own room with it's own restroom...we went to Ikea and bought furnishings. Above the bed he put a framed photo of frank the bunny.  kid loved the movie.
we loved that movie...in theory we should have worker as a couple but we didn't because I wasn't ready for it.
whereas he related to Donnie darko based on feeling he was smarter than the life he was dealt...more self aware..i related to the direness of it all. The world is ending and I know this...it's coming soon and I can't help it. Altruism...self sacrifice...there are ways to read the ending (Christ metaphor? ) but at the time if you were to ask me I what it meant to me I would say "peace" the end is peace.
some time after I and the projectionist broke up due to me pushing him away I met someone who shared a similar wish for the end and also carried a heavy burden that comes with having lived too hard too long. We walked around downtown Los Angeles...i with my left forearm with cryptic numbers counting down the end.
we walked around downtown and I found bits and piece of my own psyche and realized the desperation one probably encounters with me.
years later my downtown companion would also get the numbers tattooed. While never admitting it I'd like to think he saw something in me too that night.
"and filmmaker Richard Kelly will be signing before the movie...."
damn it
by 08/02/13 I already had a frank the bunny costume and a tattoo based on his second underrated film "southland tales" and here he was at an outdoor cinema screening of Donnie Darko at Santa Monica high and I didn't have my costume or anything with me since I didn't even know he was going to be there.
luckily I brought my frank the bunny deluxe figure just for decoration purposes so I took that. I went with this guy named Wade (someone I did a lot of outdoor screenings with last year but never was involved with,)
and I was broke and didn't have money for a tattoo...but Richard Kelly was a signature I always knew I wanted.
"and it's so awesome that you're all here for a movie I made and someday maybe I'll make another movie that will be shown here too." Richard Kelly said as he introduced the movie.
he went off to sign and random fans showed up. I went up and explained my signature tattoo idea and asked him to sign my figure ( didn't come out right) and asked him if he could sign a paper I got from wade.
"I am very humbled by your request" he said as he took it to a nearby table so he could have a better backing.
 l got it inked at a later date (more on that later). sometimes the world isn't as dire and sometimes 28 days later it and you are still here. And it's good.

with great power: the stan Lee tattoo

Peter Parker: [voiceover] Who am I? You sure you want to know? The story of my life is not for the faint of heart. If somebody said it was a happy little tale... if somebody told you I was just your average ordinary guy, not a care in the world... somebody lied.

yes I know Stan lee didn't work alone
yes I know he's not directly cinema related
but the characters he helped create have been a part of media for a looooong time. I mean look at his contribution to cinema...the"marvel cinematic universe" alone.

as a kid everyone always said I was bright. In kinder I made a painting the teacher talked to my parents about it and the following year I was placed in gifted classes...obviously it didn't last but that was largely because school was the only place I had to get away from the troubles at home. It was a vacation for me and I never was able to focus...one teacher got so frustrated when I was in second grade that he sent me to kindergarten classes for a few days.

my life was just full of a lot of adults who failed me. No one knew about the abuse at home. My own father let me down the most but at the same time he's part of the reason I'm a geek and he gave me tools that helped me escape from the harsh reality of my home life.

For a whole week growing up when my parents were still together my dad and I put together a jumbo sized marvel characters puzzle in the dinning room table, causing us to have to eat in the living room.

Dad is an army man who when I was a tyke would go around entertaining me with hulk impersonations...when my parents divorced and my mom met my stepfather one of the first acts he did was taking my action figures to the swapmeet. My childhood gone but not forgotten. My issues as a child paled in comparison to say Spiderman (fav) fighting doctor octopus or the fantastic four fighting a guy who eats worlds....stan lee was someone I didn't think I would ever get a signature tattoo from but then one day at comickazee it happened. 09/15/12 Days before my 32nd bday I was in line with my youngest sister at a comic convention. An assistant read out what item people wanted signed
POSTER!
COMIC!
"what did you bring to get signed?"
"my arm..."
"ARM!"
then it was my time and I swear ...i got that feeling of time standing still. Everybody around me faded and it was just me and Stan...i just thanked him...over and over...he helped me so much on those nights I wished I was stronger so I wouldn't bruise as hard...or when I wished I could fly away from it all. This signature..this tattoo that one was for me..for that kid that made it through.

rise above: the Henry rollins tattoo

once upon a time I had cable in my room.
once upon a time my girlfriend (yeah CIS female) introduced me to Henry Rollins...now MTV circa 1997 was an interesting time. Around that time I was beginning to accept my sexuality.
now I was a queer punker by that point..blossoming punker really.
so by that point I developed a crush on Travis barker. But one faithful evening veronica got giddy when the "Liar" music video came on.
so veronica is sitting there grinning...and I'm sitting there trying not to get giddy myself.
so I'm sitting at book soup 10/27/11 as Henry Rollins is talking about his book of photos /essay "occupants."
"I try to fight the man a little every day.."
he's perfect...mainly because of his passion for social change.
many a times at occupy LA I crushed on guys like him....now just to be clear this wasn't just some school girl crush. Ask anyone who their favorite black flag frontman is and you'll hear any of a number of answers (Keith Morris is mu fav). Now...black flag was a part of the early LA punk scene.  I already had a blue germs circle tattoo and wanted to get the black flag bars inked...i just didn't know how to not have them be the standard design. See in terms of iconic punk logos the bars are up there with the crimson ghost skull (still haven't gotten that one yet). So one day it hit me...celluloid strips!
see I discovered my love of punk and cinema roughly at the same time so it made sense.
Henry Rollins was the first time I broke the rules I had established for myself on signatures. Obviously not a filmmaker but still influential to punk and for a bit also film. When we talked briefly I mentioned his IFC show.
most of the filmmakers that had signed my arm were on his show.

vindication when he stated he "was checking out my tattoo and liked it." met him at a later date..."thanks for your contribution to punk but above all thanks for your support of the lgbtq community" it was one of those sincere moments where he put his pen down and talked to me honest and sincerely.
"I don't see how someone can't. I wish most of these politicians would just be more honest and say they're just homophobes."
swoon

the Edgar Wright tattoo: or how i learned to stop worrying and love sex bob-omb

It's not everyday that you find yourself walking around randomly with a cute blonde haired blue eyed former army guy who was kicked out due to pot use who happened to be bi...but it happened once and I was crushing.
By my early 20's I was living with roomates and a guy I was dating in north Hollywood.
the blonde in question was named Geoffrey.
 how Geoffrey ended up in my life is a long story...the most relevant part is that Geoffrey had no idea what male interaction was like. He was new to the queer scene so I took it upon myself to show him around.
In my early twenties I myself was trying to figure the whole queer thing. A posting I made on Craigslist looking for volunteering opportunities in the queer community led me to an organization working on marriage equality. Before proposition 8 even existed.
And that's how Geoffrey wound up in a trendy silverlake bar talking to British tourist about the miracle of Shaun of the dead....wearing a Shaun beannie.
around the time Geoffrey entered my life so did "spaced" having a multi region player I got found out about a geeky sitcom from the UK and introduced the whole house to it. Everyone fell in love with it. I found out about Shaun of the dead shortly after and had the DVD months before it was released in theaters state side. We had a screening of it at the house and Geoffrey went bat shit crazy over it.
Geofrrey is a story of my biggest unrequited love. My association with him lasted a few months after our north Hollywood apartment. We made out a few times, he said he cared for me...but someone of his looks in the queer scene...well let me put it this way...one night at a gay club he made out with both a gay guy and that guys female friend...i just couldn't compete.
all of that came to mind as I watched"Scott pilgrim vs the world." the classic love story of the everyman crushing on someone more cultured (as stated in chasing Amy..someone who's done things you've only read about in books). By that point my love of Edgar Wright was established. Obviously a fan of spaced and the cornetto trilogy... I trusted him.
I always approach cinematic endeavors carefully...too many failed expectations etc..
by the time the opening credits started (WE ARE SEX BOB-OMB 1234!) my brain stopped worrying and I let it flow...now you know that third eye blind song"semi charmed kind of life"? There is a part of the lyrics on the power of music to make the protagonist of the song weep if done styistically right (four right cords can make me cry).
that's sort of how I am with cinema...sometimes the right pairing of style and acting music etc (think the significance of van Gogh in that doctor who episode) can make me weep.
so Scott pilgrim had me balling during most of the movie...a chance at unrequited love with someone you otherwise dismiss as being out of your league.
11/11/10 I showed up to amoeba and waited in a somewhat long line for a Scott pilgrim signing. I had secured a ticket by purchasing a DVD and brought a long a poster with me to get signed by Edgar Wright and most of the cast. I had already met Edgar Wright at the Kevin Smith spaced signing (where Kevin signed my arm) but now using the rule of three and in a post Scott pilgrim world I was all game to have Edgar sign my arm.
problem was that it was one item per person. In line we were all nervous.
A. We were all fans
B. Most of the cast was there
you know war movies where soldiers nervously talk amongst themselves about some girl back home they're marrying when they get back etc? Well that was the whole line.
I made single serving friends including one guy who also brought a poster and told me he already had a frame for it.
as we got closer in line the anticipation grew. I saw one kid who just got his DVD signed walk past the line sort of shocked and too stunned but do anything but grin and mumble to his awaiting friends...then it was my turn. I went down the line getting my poster signed ultimately ending up at Michael Cera who I developed a crush on as he refused to let me move on as he geeked over my tattoos...
"hey what's that one?"
"well I have filmmakers sign my arm and I get it tattooed on..."
"oh that's cool...but hitchhikers guide to the galaxy! Nice!"
Jason Schwartzman who was sitting next to Edgar Wright (and is one of my favorite actors)
apologized for the wait and I assured him it was cool. So I told.Edgar Wright about my project...told him I would have him sign my arm if it wasn't just one item per person.
"I'll sign it!" he said
"but where?" Jason Schwartzman said
 he sprung up from the table and came around the table to where I was standing and he signed it. He stood there and looked at it for a second.
Years later at a signing for "the worlds end" (also at amoeba) I showed him the tattoo and he remembered me and signing the tattoo and took a picture which he poster on his twitter.
lost track of Geoffrey. He still stands as a unrequited love. Everyone has one.
probably better he didn't end up with those British tourist that night we did outreach for marriage equality in silverlake that night.
they hated Shaun of the dead.

from dusk till dawn: The Robert Rodriguez tattoo

Now as a child I often had to cover my eyes during movies. Mom was way over protective and always had me cover my eyes. Take a movie like"jaws" for example...
girl is swimming
"cover your eyes!"
blackness while someone yelled...
see personally I find that to be more frightening.
one night when I was a kid they were showing a Friday the 13th marathon my mom told me "if I watched it the devil would come"...
now the first horror movie I saw sans eye covering was "Carrie" freaked the hell out of me.
years later my mothers sensibility grew and she stopped being prudish about flicks...but that took a long bit. Now something magical happened at around 17...i discovered exploitation cinema. I would visit my local video store and devour whatever they had in their horror movie section. My friends and I would watch an insane amount of cinema.
It was around that time that I was introduced to "from dusk till dawn."
Now not having seen it my friends ragged on me and went on and on about style. When I did see it I found a throwback to the horror movies I rented cheap viseralness not exactly trauma studios but not a major Hollywood flick.
when "grindhouse" came out I got tickets for some of my friends to go see it (had to get tickets days in advance..the ticket girl looked at me oddly for that request). I didn't go to that showing (mental issues that night). Days passed and everyone I knew went on and on about how great it was. My mom finally told me she had gone to see it with her boyfriend
"and after the first movie all these people got up to leave and said it was an awesome movie and I kept telling them there's more! There's more!"
Double features appear to be lost on the new generation, having been born in 80 I caught the tail end of that whole first run / secondary run double bill. Eventually the idea was lost due to any of a number of factors (VHS?).
I eventually saw "grindhouse" with my bud squared at the Manns Chinese. Fell in love. A bit went by and slowly I realized machete movie was being developed. Then it happened.
I got tickets to the premiere.
it was fairly easy. All I did was sign up online. Now the premier was held at the "Orpheum" theater. It's a theater I went to a few times in my early twenties for an event called "spooctacular" they had marathon viewings of horror movies, I remember seeing "the omen", "Carrie" even barbarella there.. Which was amazing since it's a historic big downtown LA theater.
08/24/10
 I was sitting in a line in the back of the theater waiting for stolzman when suddenly people were running towards a part of the fence down from me. Robert Rodriguez was signing stuff for people through a fence. So I went up and asked him to sign my arm.

the premier was amazing. There was a caravan of lowriders and stolzman and I walked behind the red carpet in our line. Sophia Vergara joined us at one point stating she "wanted to get away from the paparazzi. We sat next to some guy from "Romi and Michelle 's high school reunion" (Ramon) and at one point cheech had a conversation with someone next to us.
 The most significant part of that night was me talking to someone I was interested in, who is no longer with us. But that night he was as excited for me as I was.
years later i saw Robert Rodriguez again with Quentin Tarantino i showed him my tattoo and they both thought it was pretty awesome.

Todd Solondz : one for the school reporter in"Heathers"

By 1999 I was at a community college and doing a great job at English. On one occassion (for a lit class) I took the play "mother courage and her children " and wrote an essay comparing that to Godzilla (metaphor for the time) and it prompted the professor to call me up front and give me a talk on how people like me should be English instructors. Then my mom was fired and needed me to help out. At first I took a part time job that required me traveling from Whittier to downtown Los Angeles. For a good year I worked in a small office with only one other person, a supervisor named Vina. Often she was out of the office so I was alone manning phones. The office was a non profit which investigated allegations of police misconduct
one time a guy called me and told me undercover cops at Griffith park arrested him falsely for soliciting sex
an actor from star trek voyager told me a cop sexually harassed his girlfriend
a guy said officers came into his home and took photos with his stuffed teletubbies collection
and then there was Jeremy Applegate

"you've never seen heathers? Oh...i was in that " he said as he recited lines about getting bumped from the school paper. His story had to do with getting stopped by a cop. We talked though. There was this sense of desperation in him. He told me about heathers and about this girl who was his friend. See I still work for non profits to this day and often...very often it's not about the actual issues...it's about relatives on drugs, dead parents, failed dreams...people just want to vent to you (one lady told me she goes out at nights looking for a daughter who ran away and is addicted to meth..this little middle aged Hispanic woman)
Jeremy really needed a friend
and you know we talked way longer than we should have but he needed it . That was the first time I heard about Todd solondz, Jeremy was shocked I had never heard of "welcome to the dollhouse" (told me it was his favorite movie) There was nothing we could do but I didn't want to leave him alone like that so I told him a supervisor would call him back.
"but it's not something we handle so why would I call him back?" vina replied the next day
"I just think he needs to talk to someone" I replied
"well he can get a therapist"
And that was it. Jeremy called a few times and left a voicemail a few times but I didn't know what to tell him " my supervisor doesn't want to talk to you?" so I never called back.
eventually he stopped calling and I rectified my sin of never having seen"heathers" or "welcome to the dollhouse" (both have become dear to me over the years). I grew on my Todd solondz education and moved on to "happiness" eventually I cried during "Palindromes" and one day I looked up Jeremy Applegate on MySpace...that actor who needed a friend that one cloudy Los Angeles day and I found a tribute page for him.
he took his own life 03/23/2000
around the time we had talked
around the time his calls stopped
I had let him down
I messaged the tribute page and I got a reply back with Jeremy's pic profile...told the guy who wrote back that was too odd for me...he wrote me back from his personal profile and I started a brief exchange with a gay friend of his who helped fill in a lot of missing pieces of Jeremy's life. He told me he had an unrequited love in Jeremy. Eventually I told him of my phone encounter with Jeremy. His friend told me not to be too upset "Jeremy had a lot of problems..he smoked a lot of marijuana"
07/18/10
I'm at the Egyptian theater
double bill of "happiness" and "life during wartime" Todd is there and I am trying to convince him to sign my arm as various people wait to get stuff signed
"I don't want to contribute to your pain and.."
"no...it's cool..really"
he signs my arm and smiles. There's a lot I could tell him but telling him "it's for Jeremy" just wouldn't make a lot of sense.
see I have this feeling as life progresses, that I'll keep letting people down here and there. Jeremy was the first "could I have done something to..." scenario I encountered in life. Maybe I could have made a difference.
you see "welcome to the dollhouse" and I think I get it. I remember talking to Jeremy about Dawn and how bad he felt for her and how he could relate to her. Dawn wiener wasn't a bad person she was the victim of circumstances. Someone that everyone walked over, someone who was bright and creative but just a little socially awkward. In group therapy once in elementary the group leader told me I "was just like a puppy that needed to be loved"
I remember crying in her arms after she said that because that was me
that was dawn wiener
that was Jeremy.

Werner Herzog - Deeper reasons

Werner Herzog
It is a very heavy question. There is no frivolity in answering this. I cannot really argue. It is as it is. I wish this singer was still alive and hadn't seen Stroszek at that moment. But deep at the bottom of my heart I do believe that Stroszek was not the reason that he killed himself. I do believe that he must have had some very, very serious deeper other reasons and he may have, and I'm very cautious, he may have used the film as a ritual step into what he was doing. 

In 1977 Werner Herzog made a movie named "Stroszek" (Ebert called it "One of the oddest films ever made")
Three years later Ian Curtis lead singer of the band "Joy Division" viewed it on television before killing himself.  The connection between these two incidents isn't significant.  Having had my own deathtrips in the past I am familiar with the ability to find solace and release in cinema.  The term "Cinematherapy" applies to the belief you can find temporary relief from your woes "forget your problems with a big bowl of mental strawberry ice cream" (you feel depressed...You watch a "Chick flick" etc.).  Alternatively you can find connections in cinema that influence /touch you at a specific time...in the immediacy of it all.  It's a notion I am very familiar with.  A roomate once told me I was the only person she knew who "Watched scenes from movies."  And I do...the Saraghina dancing on the beach for example (8 1/2) it's my favorite movie scene.
When I met Gregg Araki I bought a movie I only knew vaguely about from a trailer I had seen a trailer for when I saw a midnight movie.  Years later I found myself in the arms of Matt..Offering comfort while watching that movie..Cinema therapy.

After what I considered the best years of my twenties...I left the apartment in NoHo I shared with a friend at the time / moved in and out of east Hollywood...and ultimately moved back home with plans of splitting part of a duplex with my sister and her guy.
It was there that I met Matt....We met online and I didn't see the logic in him having any interest in someone like me and well....ultimately he was the first to come that would show me this idea.,,,the idea that there was other individuals out there just as damaged as me.  Maybe I was attracted to the idea of being able to save them, offer them comfort I always sought? I don't know...But Matt started it all.  Now we had a friendship that lasted a bit, but really only had a few dates.  On one date we went to a movie in Santa Monica that seemed interesting.
"Grizzly man" was the story of Timothy Treadwell...a documentarian who lived in the wild with bears, ultimately he and a companion were mauled by a bear.  Werner Herzog made a documentary in an attempt to figure out these eccentric tendencies exhibited by Treadwell which ultimately lead to him being killed.  Matt put his arm on my shoulder.
He put it there and he held it for a bit.
The guy I didn't think would be interested in me because he seemed on another level of some unattainable something or other in this queer world was interested in me.
Needless to say it didn't go anywhere.
I grew older
My roomate Brian introduces me to "Joy division"
I find the Ian curtis connection
I see Herzog in "Mr.Lonely" and weep.
One day he messages me and tells me he misses me yada yada yada we're hiking.
He tells me any of a number of personal woes and we share some moments.  I realize at that point something I will always keep in mind from that point on...something that I think is best told in a poem by Willa Cather
"The heart of another is a dark forest, always, no matter how close it has been to one's own."
So we sit on the futon and he's upset.  I know he needs something...some sort of emotional release.
I put on "Harold and Maude" and by the end he has his head on my shoulder (think "Mysterious skin")

08/01/2009
Book soup
I'm next in line to meet Werner Herzog and suddenly I realize at this point that my signature project isn't just about these movies anymore.  It's not high school and good times, ex girlfriends and our "prom of doom" horror movie athon we had on the date of the actual prom....It was just about people and times.  And Herzog is there and i'm thinking Brian and Joy division, and Matt....Matt met me at a very strange time in my life, sort of one in his too.
Herzog signs my arm and I thank him.
cinematherapy works
just avoid Herzog movies when you're depressed.

The decline of western civilization: the Penelope Spheeris tattoo

that stupid punk rock

the story of my punk upbringing is the story of Penelope spheeris...let me first tell you the reader of my upbringing.

by the age of 14 my stepdad was finally out of the house and inwas dropped off at my first day of high school by my dad. I stuck to myself and didn't really hang with a lot of people. Around sophmore year I met a girl named veronica and we dated for a year. When veronica split I starter hanging with some guys who were a mishmash of punk and skater guys...then one day I met Richard. Richard was an overweight skater kid who always smelt bad and lived in the projects.

now the first time I met Richard was when he was humping the ground where me and my new girlfriend , Josie, were hanging at the time. Based on us userping his hanging area he became part of our group. Weekends often became a kickback at my place where Richard would bring over a forty and spend the weekend watching films.

it was Richard who first introduced me to punk music specifically his favorite band the germs.

one day he asked me scan a picture of "his dad Darby crash" it was then that I developed my crush on Darby. I found an article on Darby and I eventually figured out..like me he was queer. Eleventh and twelfth grade was all about crass / the germs. At some point Richard put on "suburbia" and the decline of western civilization. Now if you're looking at definet LA punk cinema two films by Penelope spheeris stand out (the decline series and suburbia)..

I watched both almost religiously when I was starting to find my way in LA punk history. The stories and events were right in my backyard. Around 19 I came out to Richard and needless to say we stopped hanging out.

I didn't stop listening to early Los Angeles punk..because it was never really about him...punk for me has always been about

living unapologetically and the sounds of the scene were loud and politcal and spoke to me...i mean show me someone who likes punk music and I'll show you someone who came from a broken home.

now a signature I knew I wanted was Penelope spheeris. She documented a scene that I loved, was my introduction and invitation at further exploration of the scene and was tied into a very specific time in my life and development..a time when I was finding my voice and trying to make sense out of the bullshit state of affairs I had grown up with.

now on 04/15/03 spheeris went to a showing of the decline part 1 and 3 at the Egyptian theater. Met her and a bunch of key figures in the early LA punk scene (Keith Morris, lee ving, Alice bag).

I remember asking spheeris to sign my ticket stub she looked at it said"what is this a bus ticket?" and insisted we search for a bigger paper to sign. Now I framed that paper from the "Los Angeles Latino film festival" but years later I feared I wouldn't get a chance to meet her again. The only time I really get a chance to meet some of these filmmakers is when they have retrospectives...but I had attended one for the decline...i just wasn't doing my whole tattoo signature idea so it seemed bleak...then the Greek film festival hit.

I didn't even know Penelope spheeris was greek

the Egyptian was showing suburbia as part of programming for the Greek film festival....now it was a huge wtf I'll tell you that right now

if you've seen "suburbia" you know that as far as exploitation movies go it's out there...produced by Roger corman...the opening scene has a baby being mauled by a dog...it's that sort of movie.

A smiling middle aged Greek woman welcomed me and stolzman at the Egyptian...now the audience was

A. Elderly Greek people most likely there to support the event (both first and second generation)

B. Status seeking younger people of Greek descent

C. Punks

the only ones that seemed in on the joke were the punks. I and stolzman settled down next to the punks because we stuck out less with them. So post movie q and a I sort of sat there with the punks and snickered...everyone asking questions was mainly Greek people who had no clue what they were in for "I think every parent raising a child who's a punk should watch this so they can understand the scene"

post movie I saw spheeris in the lobby and asked her to sign my arm...explained the whole project and post signature she told her crew that me and stolzman"rocked" which coming from her meant a lot...then I got an email..

 

Penelope Spheeris

Hey there!

 That is so cool you have my name tattooed on your arm! I remember the night you asked me, I thought you were kidding! You rock! Take care of yourself. Much love,

 Penelope

Jun 29, 2010

 

while it would be good to end this there I think it's a disservice...i thanked Richard for introducing me to punk and I still see him around. I see him sometimes at the store and we really don't have much to talk about anymore. We stopped talking because I'm gay. It's just awkward knowing that's the reason we drifted apart. Spent a lot of time doing my own exploration to the scene that I love...i got born in 80 so I didn't get to explore it. It's interesting but in the past decade since meeting Penelope the first time I've grown a lot more comfortable with myself but have also come to realize just how important queers were to the scene.I've heard stories and hung our with people who went grave digging with Darby...one day I heard spheeris was going to be at a panel of queer short films at the Egyptian...so i went.

now the film was a fictional narrative with Penelopes own sister who is an out lesbian..the film has segments recorded during the first Los Angeles pride...post movie I went up to Penelope.."wow you documented the early LA punk scene and first pride event!"

I told her it was important for people like me who weren't around. I continued my one personal celebration of Los Angeles punk till I met schmu..another queer punk dude who happens to like similar music. It's important in this scene to find your"tribe" isn't that what movies like "suburbia" are about? Subcultural unity? Glad I found some. What can I say? I was just another queer punk

 

 

 

coffee and pie: the one with Rian Johnson

the story of Rian Johnson is the story of one Christopher stolzman
see at one point on the same day I got araki's signature me and stolzman were huffing it from the aero theater to the nuart so we could see Gregg Araki after we went to a showing of "brick" (after Sundance before wide release) being a noir fan I was captivated.

on 09/19/2008 I and stolzman huffed it from downtown (where they were showing blade runner) to see a midnight showing of "brick" (where we met Rian and we mentioned being at the aero showing and he told us "that was the first time he realized he had something" it was my bday and I couldn't think of a more awesome time...plus he drew a symbol on my arm from "brick" and I got it inked
then 09/28/11 happened...the greatest cinematic experience ever.
we often go to the "new Beverly"cinema because they always have the best revival bills ever (trainspotting/run Lola run, clerks /clerks 2 etc). So...Rian Johnson had a programming thingie and they showed"f is for fake" and (my favorite movie) "8 1/2" in celebration of the release of his second movie brother's bloom.
so we're sitting there waiting for stuff to start when I see Noah seagan ...

now at that point I start getting excited ..not solely due to my crush being there but also because Rian Johnson is supposed to do an introduction. So we're sitting there, Rian plays some"radiolab" and then he announces Joseph Gordon Levitt..is going to sing...so JGL, Rian and Noah all take the stage in true religious revival fashion perform "step right up" ..i sit there mouth open. Stolzman goes out and has a cigarette next to jgl...it's that sort of night.
this would be considered one of my most awesome cinematic experiences ever. Now this was a specific time in my life. It was this period
where I would ride my bike all over town with stolzman and we would go to del taco and the new Beverly (projection guy started calling us "first fans").
when I first started my tattoo signature project in an effort to not go nilly Willy
stolzman made this rule of three...if I like three movies by the filmmaker they qualified for a tattoo. Rian by that point only had the two...
then I read his newest movie the aformentioned "brothers bloom" was opening at the arclight...and this one I did solo
I fell in love with the film and after Rian did a q and a and stuck around to sign stuff. Originally I wanted him to write"midnight" under my brick tattoo but I then asked him to sign my arm...sure it defied the rules of three but I realized how important he was...this one chunk of time was stolzman and my therapy with PTSD and my name change..it seemed like I had matured in this chunk of time that me and stolzman had seen him and his flicks. I got his signature, went out and met up with stolzman..the next day I got a tattoo. Stolzman went with me to see his next movie "looper." where Rian came out in an arclight usher uniform to introduce the flick.

The silent bob signature tattoo tale

once upon a time in pico Rivera I had cable. Now kids back in the day they had pay preview channels where you could preview movies. A channel just ran trailers of pay per view cinema. So I found "chasing Amy" that way and I was hooked. At the time I was about 17 and was just discovering myself and I suppose a movie with both geekness and lgbtq themes got to me. I recorded it and I fell in love.  Now when I entered college I took some playwriting classes (about a year) I had a passion for it but found that my cinema preferences often clashed with people who just went on and on about theater experiences they had. One day the professor announced we each had to write a one act and have it be judged my representatives from the Kennedy center. I wrote a piece about a guy confessing his love for a girl...last ditch "all or nothing" effort....then I saw mallrats (yes...mallrats inspired me)
now this came as a revelation to me. The idea that a story can be conveyed in my tone...your average friendly neighborhood geek. Our professor always blasted me for making references"the general audience" wouldn't get...for fucks sake he once told me I should omit a line as too vague, when all the guy said was he "didn't want to be another brick in the wall." All praise fell on a lady who wrote a one piece about a woman (claimed it was something that happened to her mother) who was being interviewed by a Nazi officer! It was completely paint by numbers.
so after a director was assigned
before casting or anything I chucked the script
the new story involved an asshole sabotaging his friend hooking up with a girl he lusted over..graduation night.
and it was chock full of geekness...hell the whole thing is set against a viewing of"Carrie"
no one liked it but my fellow geeks,
the Kennedy center hated it
the director didn't even bother to show up
Nazi story woman got praise
somewhere a dog barked
but I stood by my convictions. I wasn't making things for the general public I was making things in my own Spiderman man loving manchild voice and I wasn't apologizing for it. Due to lack of adult male figure in my household all my younger siblings latched onto my likes. First time I met Kevin smith my 7 year oldish sis got a comic signed by him ("I didn't know our fans were this young") Kevin told her.
I got second place in a short story contest...Kevin gave me a pep talk
I went to arclight with my boyfriend and talked to Kevin and his wife who were in attendance
I broke up with my boyfriend...Kevin hugged me...it seemed for a bit that Kevin smith cameoed in my late teens / early twenties all the time
07/23/2008
Kevin smith was at the secret stash (they had a west LA location once upon a time). So I went with my now age appropriate youngest sister to a signing of the DVD for the British show "spaced"(also met Simon pegg). So I ask Kevin to sign my arm
"who else do you have?" I tell him John waters and Gregg Araki."
he smiled and nodded a fuckin'a nod "Greg Araki"
fucking A

The ballad of the second signature tattoo...Gregg Araki

I want to start off with a happenstance
so one day I was showing my bud squared (we were probably dating at the time ) " doom generation" we get around to Dustin Nguyen of 21 jump street fame getting his head blown off and landing in guacamole...when suddenly squared freaked out..not over the reanimated head vomiting guacamole but because I had in showing him the flick had solver a mystery of his past...the story goes one night he and his father were watching late night cable when they saw the aforementioned scene and did a WTF unknowing what movie it was or what context it had occurred in..till that moment squared sat shocked at the randomness.

I first was introduced to Gregg Araki cinema one night as I had sleepless slumber. I was dealing with my homosexual tendencies. The biggest issue was that I didn't see myself in gay culture. You don't get very many representations in popular media of korn loving punk rock music listening to horror movie buffs...so how could I be gay? I couldn't sleep..i was crying and dealing with my ever increasing feelings towards guys when I decided sleep wasn't happening so I turned on the tv and like squared I found an Araki movie while channel surfing. As I watched "nowhere"
I found myself growing attracted to James Duval...then he has a speech about being doomed...that was cathartic...then another blonde guy showed up...gorgeous and blonde...now if you've seen an Araki movie you know that his gay characters are unconventional (90210 with piercings and tattoos some critics have stated) and nowhere was no exception. You have to understand I was practically suicidal at this point. I had a girlfriend but I couldn't bring myself to go any further with her. I was abused for years as a child because I wasn't straight acting as a kid...to accept being gay was an acceptance that the perpetrator of my abuses was right...but I couldn't help it. I was growing attracted to the high school QB and I couldn't handle it.
James Duval and Nathan bexton end up together in bed at the end.
"all of my life I've wanted to find someone who loves me and accepts me for who what I am"
I cried more. They weren't your typical homosexuals and I realized then I didn't have to be either.
Gregg Araki (and Brian grillo of extra fancy) kept me from being another statistic.
11/24/2007 I raced across Santa Monica with stolzman from a showing of "brick" at the rialto (more on that later) to the nuart where Araki's newest flick "smiley face" (which he directed only) was being shown with an Araki QandA...so we raced so I could have Araki sign my arm so I could get it inked the next day. Movie, purchasing of a Harold and Maude DVD at the cinema, Araki was standing in the lobby. I actually already told him the story of how he saved me (this was my second time meeting him the first was at a "mysterious skin" screening) so this time was strictly a signature endeavor...so he places the marker on my arm and sees my first signature tattoo
"is that John waters?" I tell him it is "I don't want to be upstaged by John waters!"
he signs my arm and tells me he's going to have to tell John about this one.
since that day I've met several people who have been touched by his flicks..all queer dudes who saw a bit of themselves in his cinema. His signature tattoo is for a suicidal teenager who found himself via independent cult cinema.

Signature one...john waters

so having decided to get filmmaker tattoos John waters made sense...see with John I first realized the concept of filmmakers.
see I grew up with a minimal world view on cinema. See movies had no connection aside from sequels. There was no "hey lets see the newest Spielberg movie!" no concept of personal style. Now I won't tell how I met John waters cinema (http://www.dreamlandnews.com/fans/zero_p.shtml
) see I'll tell you the story of Sonya orloff.
one day as I was waiting for a tram to take me up to college (it was on a hill) a lady I would now state was very much like Valerie solanis struck up a conversation with me. She saw me reading a magazine with John on it and suddenly she was grilling me on his other work. I felt inferior having only seen serial mom. I told her I'd check out the rest. I met a new world.
I've always been attracted to the more eccentric parts of life. But in John waters I found with a similar taste of the absurd.
if my filmmaker tattoos represent a specific time in my life I think John waters's signature represents a transition period for me. I got into John as I was discovering my queer identity. Meeting him, having iconic LA punk legend jenny Lenz take a picture of him signing my arm..just surreal. Since meeting him it seems like every unique and interesting person I've met has somehow involved John waters (not to say I haven't met people that haven't). One time someone struck up a conversation with me because I was reading a John waters book on the redline...and I had a Sonya orloff flashback.

The one with the origin of the signature tattoo's

As you may or may not know depending on if I know you..or you know me...well hopefully I know you because while it's flattering when someone says they know you and see you around but you never see them...like sometimes...I'll be at a bar or the cinema and someone suddenly tells me they ride the bus with me all the time and they want to know if I see them...and i'm like...no...Like this one time on the 720 rapid this dude named Jeff was all like...I see you...You ever see me? And I was like....umm no...

Moral Orel is my right arm is full of signatures from various filmmakers and other individuals who in some form shaped my upbringing.  People always ask me if I know Tyler Durden (they don't I just couldn't help making that reference) People always ask me if I ever plan on pursuing a dream of making movies, often I tell them "perhaps" but more often than not I tell them that not every child in a farm town wants to grow up and be a farmer.  Now as I go into these filmmakers and give you an origin story on them then , hey, it might make sense to you why I have silly scribbles on my arm but I can't just jump right into it with JW proper because as everyone knows you need a preamble

some sort of statement of intent

so here you go.  Statement of intent

Now some people love to get tattoo's of things they feel are special, dear etc.  See like someone may never say meet a panda in person, but they might get one inked...now that's their thing.  The first tattoo I got was at 19 on my back.  The story goes like this..I had a hoodie...i kidnapped my sister and her friend and we went around asking dudes we thought were cute if it made a good tattoo, around the point one guy lifted up his shirt and showed us his scorpion tattoo did we decide it would make for an awesome tattoo.  You get ink about things you like right?

And so one day after seeing "Cecil B. Demented" (where cinema terrorist get tattoos of their favorite filmmaker) did it make sense.  I decided one day the first signature would be the first tattoo...and honestly I didn't plan on my right arm becoming what it has.

Clovis the cat: The greek tragedy

Jungian psychology tells us that "only that which can destroy itself is truly alive" and it is with that idea in mind mixed in with a little bit of greek tragedy that I present the story of Clovis.
The cat.
In 1992 an original Stephen King screenplay "sleepwalkers" brought us the story of one Charles and Mary Brady who had an incestuous mother / son relationship...capable of becoming huge bipedal werecats who fed off of the life force of virgin women (yes..I felt silly having to write that bit out)....Now a lot happens there's a girl named Tanya, and Otto from Beetlejuice (Glenn Shadix representing) pops up...There's creepy music dancing...But we don't actually get to the meat of it all till we get to practically the end.
Having mortally wounded a deputy, the deputies cat (clovis, who is always by his side) attacks Charles leaving him clinging to life.
Charles, having killed the Clovis's owner and thus his "father" is now the subject of sweet sweet revenge.
Clovis proceeds to rally various other cats
They stalk the Brady family
station themselves menacingly in the front yard
And wait
See the cats posses a knowledge known to only one other person (s)
the Brady's
See....Their one weakness is cats

Granted it's a convenient plot device (perhaps too convenient?) that they should be killed by the one thing they resemble.  Huge hulking six foot tall cats killed by Baxter.

Not as much of a stretch I mean...In cinema isn't the antagonist always killed by their own?  Nancy to Freddy, Laurie to Michael etc. etc. etc.

Presenting the story of Clovis as such is an interesting experiment but I would rather see it as being the story not told.  Some of the more interesting things in life are things that we don't get all the pieces for...in life you're not often given a full script..only what part you play in it all.

The story of Clovis is your classic revenge story with all the thematic elements present...We just can't speak cat and therefore aren't presented with rousing speeches convincing cats to abandon their plush lives and risk certain death in an effort to help exact revenge.

Personally I would rather see the revenge story from the cat's perspective. 

A naked american man stole my balloons

Rufus Deakin never made it as an actor.

He only has one IMDB credit
"Little boy with balloons."  But Rufus here is an underdog.
In life there are moments when we realize normality isn't always the norm.
As a young child leaving the local Target store...I became fascinated with a woman asking for change.  We passed by her and I offered her what little change 6 year old me had....As my mom put our purchases away I asked her for change and I went back and gave her more....I did this about 3 more times.  Now you would see this as a sure fire sign of a child geared towards altruistic tendencies.  A frood who really has his head together and will act in the interest of some greater good....Ok I mean that sort of ended up being the case...But that's not the point.  The moral orel of it all is that the lady was bizzare.
I remember she was hunched over, and missing teeth and well...I liked her.  When you gave her change she bestowed a lot of blessings on you and acted like you had just given her a hundred dollars.  We're raised to expect the world to function in a very specific order...From the way we are raised to believe family units work (mommy and a daddy) to how nestle brand chocolate mix goes best with milk and ONLY milk (that one might actually be true...I mean soy milk though...how many people are raised with soy?).
Around this time I became enamored with this show called "That's incredible"
Now I never really got why I was so fascinated with things like ghost, etc.  My dad (while being a devout christian) made fun of me for some of my beliefs.  It's wasn't till I discovered John Waters movies (more on that some other time) that I realized what it was I found fascinating.
See life we are told is black and white...It isn't.  There's all sorts of variables and twist and turns and sometimes you have plans that aren't actualized, and sometimes you find you're not the person you were raised to be.
Sometimes the party takes you to places you didn't count on going.
But more importantly at some point in time you realize that stranger danger applies to everyone not just old men sitting alone in a playground with an ice cream cone.  And maybe it was one specific incident or moment.  For me it was that lady in the target store...But Rufus Deakin plays a character who...I don't think is every fully used in cinema.  Rufus plays "Little boy with balloons" a child who loses his childlike innocence of the world through a realization that it's a very strange and bizarre place full of strange and bizzare people.  Of american men claiming to be bush thieves
of american men with no clothes (possibly even the first american he ever encountered!)
...And Was David jewish?  Maybe that was a first too.
We cut away right after his statement to her mother with her shockingly stating "What?" if ever you wanted the camera to linger just a few more minutes it would be at THAT moment.  This potential moment which can be viewed as a follow up to "the red balloon" though shows us that even those odd people we meet have their own layers, like onions. You peel back the naked american man craving latex and you get a werewolf (he became a werewolf in London so it shouldn't be "an american werewolf in..." since that implies he became a werewolf stateside and then went to London....but don't get me started on that).  It's a big world out there and we've all been Rufus Deakin at one time or another.  At least only the ones who are truly alive realized that things can get a little strange sometimes.
And there ain't anything wrong with that

where's my cake Bedelia?

Nathan Grantham: [beginning of a flashback sequence] Where's... my cake? I... want... my... cake! Where's my cake, Bedelia? Where's my Father's Day cake? I want my cake you dirty BITCH! I'm going to have it!
Nathan Grantham: [Nathan clacking his cane, bellowing] BEDELIA! It's Father's Day! Where's my cake? You promised me my cake! Bedelia, I'm your father and you're supposed to be taking care of me!
Bedelia Grantham: [distressed, almost driven to the point of madness] I DON'T HEAR YOU! I SAID I DON'T HEAR YOU!
Nathan Grantham: BEDELIA, YOU BITCH! What do you think I've got you here for? You're just like all the others - you're nothing but a bunch of VULTURES!
[Bedelia is in a highly distressed state, almost driven to the point of madness now]
Nathan Grantham: [still clacking his cane, the clacking sound has been slowly intensifying] BEDELIA! WHERE'S MY FATHER'S DAY CAKE?
Bedelia Grantham: [Bedelia picks up the marble ashtray and lifts it above her head, her father looking up at her in terror] HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!
Bedelia Grantham: [Bedelia bashes her father's head in with the marble ashtray, killing him instantly] .

Parents seem to believe that they have diplomatic immunity.
 certain ideologues state we are supposed to respect our parents unconditionally and more often than not this leads to a false sense of entitlement.
I don't get where a lot of entitlement comes from. Out of all the times in their life my parents had sex i resulted in one...i just got lucky.
In life we all want acknowledgement ... 
our"cake"
but "cake" should be earned...not distributed without having done anything to deserve it.
it's something that happens with fathers....post a divorce it seems like there is an expectation you'll be there for them unconditionally. They might ran off with someone else and abandon responsibility but still want the benefits that come with responsible parenting.
Maybe that's the real moral orel ofu the segment of "creepshow" in question. Your children aren't there for you to flaunt your perceived entitlement at so...you make your own cake.
so the real character growth comes from the reanimated corpse...
granted Bedelia progresses in achieving decapitation...but that's hardly positive growth.