I'm Donnie darko

 Dear Roberta Sparrow, I have reached the end of your book and... there are so many things that I need to ask you. Sometimes I'm afraid of what you might tell me. Sometimes I'm afraid that you'll tell me that this is not a work of fiction. I can only hope that the answers will come to me in my sleep. I hope that when the world comes to an end, I can breathe a sigh of relief, because there will be so much to look forward to.

She tells me I don't have to see her twice a month as I had been...tells me it's an ass needed basis. I read this as me just being "ok" I know this may be the last time we have our sessions..
" you know...i didn't even know if I should have come in the first place...i didn't know if it was that bad..."
she laughs..."oh it was !"


I left knowing that the past was going to have to stay there more often. Problem is that it isn't as easy. Problem with being a victim of your mind...you try to explain it to someone and they usually don't care. With disabilities...if you're not visibly disabled people forget. My time getting therapy was hard for me...i was on paxil...i took medication for panic attacks....
...with PTSD it's like filling a flask with say..jack...you pour and slowly and surely it fills up. You never know how much is left...but at some point it's going to spill out. Problem is that it's just never the same. Anxiety is dependent on the day and your state of mind.
I think you get tired of asking for sympathy sometimes because it's not something you want but something you need.
see I relate to the titular character in Donnie darko.
when I first saw it I knew I found someone in cinema I could relate to.
all of my life I've been told I'm smart...just always been a prisoner of my own mind. I can accept this as can my closest.
the one person I can trust the most to understand and not make a judgments is my best friend squared he understands because he's just been through panic attacks and episode after another.
we're never told in Donnie darko what the breaking point was..that moment his family realized this was a mental health issue...but his parents...while not understanding the issue fully know there is one and are compassionate.

Donnie: [to his mother] How's it feel to have a wacko for a son?
Rose Darko: It feels wonderful.
if I'm having a bad day my mom will ask me if I've medicated..i think she knows it's bad largely because of an incident where I took a few too many anxiety pills and she had to drive me to the hospital as I passed out.
mental disability requires a support structure. Just seems impossible to find when people don't understand.

His romantic ideas were shaped by a misreading of the movie "the boy who could fly"

Near the end of Tom and Summer's 500 days together, they go to a matinee of The Graduate, and as they watch the final scene (Dustin Hoffman and Katharine Ross in the back of the bus, staring numbly ahead), Summer weeps miserably, while Tom appears transported by the romance of it all. With impressive economy, that image captures the gulf between these two characters' experience of love; he sees only the promise of togetherness, and she sees only the inevitability of loss.

when I was little I loved a movie about a boy who would fly...dont ask me how I discovered it or how my parents felt it was ok to show me a movie (repeatedly) about a couple that in the end nearly commit suicide at school... but I saw it..a lot...like A LOT...this had a tie with "never ending story"...so in order to get the moral orel of it all I need to tell you about the flick in case you (the reader...whoever you are) haven't seen it...

so this family moves to a new house (mom, daughter Milly...the protagonist...her kid brother played by a pre "wonder years" Fred savage and a dog) the father had commuted suicide post a bout with cancer (which btw just makes it more fucked up when the mom witnesses her daughter jump off a building RIGHT in front of her...more on that later). They need a fresh start and they move in next to an alcoholic (herman Munster dude) and the titular character...Eric...

Eric is in a state of perpetual shock due to his parents dying in a plane crash as his uncle explains that was when he "started trying to fly" he'd go to the roof and extend his arms to the heavens..trying to fly as if he wanted to save them...

now to the movie buff ...this was an attempt at cashing in on the whole "superman" hype of the 80s (it's basically a huge "can you read my mind" send up)...but to a kid like me it was amazing..but see I wanted a "happy ending".

Ok see Eric had a ball hit his head because he couldn't catch it and he just wasn't there...Milly tried to break on through but wasn't able to. Milly and Eric end up running through the school trying to escape officials including cops, teachers, a psychologist..all while this town fair is happening...Milly and Eric wind up on the roof where Milly confirms with Eric that he can fly...and they leap off the building as her mother screams in horror below (they swoop over her) they fly home...share a tender moment and Eric flies off....

now as a kid I envisioned an ending where Eric snapped out of his shock..and was just well.."normal." don't knock the kid part of me as not having progressive ideas...but chew on this...we're taught that love can cure the fractured....a kiss can wake someone up from a coma, a kiss can turn a beast into a handsome prince etc etc etc.
we're taught that love can cure all. See there's this cat Stevens song "moon shadow" about how the individual singing the song (and by extension all of us) are being followed by a "moon shadow"...a metaphor of course for the inevitable entropy we will experience as living flesh...so if our ideas of love are based on this idea that love will inevitably save us...i can't be as blamed for growing up with this fractured idea...
at it's core "The boy who could fly" is about meeting someone as fucked up and fragile as you are..someone who's lie reflects yours etc..and finding some sort of Zen together. In the end nothing changes...sure Erics uncle hugo stops boozing, pre Kevin Arnold beats the bullies with a water gun of piss, mom learns computers...but the world is still fucked. Dad doesn't come walking through the door cancer free and not dead...but maybe the moral orel of it all is that in the end wishing for a better ending is all we have ...because of that pesky moon shadow...till then our happy endings are never finite but momentary. You can't want to change someone you can only work with what's there I later learned. We just all have to be our own happy endings...a series of daily happy endings. Every happy ending being a wish for the best.

after Eric and Milly flew in front of the entire town, Eric flies away, never to be seen again]
Milly: [narrating] That night, I found out why Eric flew away. Our house was crawling with people who wanted to see Eric Gibb, the boy who could fly. There were scientists and doctors and TV reporters. When they couldn't find Eric, they did tests on me, because I flew with him. They did tests on Uncle Hugo, too, because he was a relative and had the same genes. Then they took everything out of his room and sent it to some laboratory. I guess Eric was afraid they'd do the same to him. Everyone had a theory on how Eric was able to fly. But there was one I liked the best.
Mrs. Sherman: [on TV] Well, Eric always dreamed of flying, so maybe if you wish hard enough and love long enough, anything is possible.
Milly: [narrating] Mrs. Sherman was right. Eric made us believe that anything is possible if you really try.

Love kills: The alex cox tattoo

I had my first actual planned out kiss on the night princess Diana died.
I was dating a girl named veronica and we were at a party. We sat on the front steps and it happened. When it was over and I was riding home in the back seat of my moms car (we had gone with her to some family thing) the news came on. I just kept looking up at the stars. Veronica was the type of girl who dressed in black and was very much of similar personality with Lydia in beetlejuice.

 I was in love...i mean sexuality for me has always been sort of something not concrete.
the thing is that after my turbulent upbringing she was the first person I allowed into my life.
"hell is for children" etc was her motto..her long sleeved dresses covered self inflicted wounds. "hey Sid and Nancy Is on next week...can you record it?"
didn't know anything about sid vicious at the time. Veronica had a thing for him and she came over and watched the flick. Thing is that I saw what she was attracted to..the desperation. I think it was why we were attracted to each other. She was a kid from the projects...i was from a broken home.
I carried veronica with me for years after. Couldn't help but watch sid and Nancy alone when it was on.
now Alex Cox really only made three notable contributions to cinema...all cult movies...
-sid and nancy
- repoman
- the screenplay for "fear and loathing in Las Vegas"
10/18/13. I went with my Jewish friend shmu to book soup and we sat listening to Alex Cox talk Kennedy assassination conspiracy. I had my vinyl record of "sid and Nancy" ready. I asked him to sign a paper so I could get a tattoo and told him I was going to get the tattoo next to Penelope spheeris who had done the other quintessential Los Angeles punk movie (he pointed out "suburbia" came out the same year as repoman).
"I've never been a tattoo before!"
a week later I got his signature and Richard kellys tattoo inked using the papers they had signed. I burned the papers when it was done
..right across the street from the place I had my first kiss. I'm queer..and happily so...but can't help but think of all the things that were and could have been.

The killing moon: The Richard kelly tattoo

At one point I went from tattoo shop to tattoo shop on Hollywood blvd with a laptop asking for a price estimate on a tattoo idea. I had my Donnie darko DVD frozen to a scene where the titular character had written a countdown to the end of the world on his arm with marker...

nobody got it...one guy told me I "should print it out and bring it in." finally I found one guy who did my tattoo freehand. It was an important tattoo for me because it was specific to a time in my life. The first time I attempted cohabitation with someone I loved was in my early twenties. I fell head over heels for one guy. He was a projectionist in a cinema who once took me to the projection booth...which for a film geek is amazing. He loved French new wave and geeky cinema. We dated for a few moths and ultimately timing worked and when I moved to my north Hollywood apartment with my roommate I brought him a long. We had our own room with it's own restroom...we went to Ikea and bought furnishings. Above the bed he put a framed photo of frank the bunny.  kid loved the movie.
we loved that movie...in theory we should have worker as a couple but we didn't because I wasn't ready for it.
whereas he related to Donnie darko based on feeling he was smarter than the life he was dealt...more self aware..i related to the direness of it all. The world is ending and I know this...it's coming soon and I can't help it. Altruism...self sacrifice...there are ways to read the ending (Christ metaphor? ) but at the time if you were to ask me I what it meant to me I would say "peace" the end is peace.
some time after I and the projectionist broke up due to me pushing him away I met someone who shared a similar wish for the end and also carried a heavy burden that comes with having lived too hard too long. We walked around downtown Los Angeles...i with my left forearm with cryptic numbers counting down the end.
we walked around downtown and I found bits and piece of my own psyche and realized the desperation one probably encounters with me.
years later my downtown companion would also get the numbers tattooed. While never admitting it I'd like to think he saw something in me too that night.
"and filmmaker Richard Kelly will be signing before the movie...."
damn it
by 08/02/13 I already had a frank the bunny costume and a tattoo based on his second underrated film "southland tales" and here he was at an outdoor cinema screening of Donnie Darko at Santa Monica high and I didn't have my costume or anything with me since I didn't even know he was going to be there.
luckily I brought my frank the bunny deluxe figure just for decoration purposes so I took that. I went with this guy named Wade (someone I did a lot of outdoor screenings with last year but never was involved with,)
and I was broke and didn't have money for a tattoo...but Richard Kelly was a signature I always knew I wanted.
"and it's so awesome that you're all here for a movie I made and someday maybe I'll make another movie that will be shown here too." Richard Kelly said as he introduced the movie.
he went off to sign and random fans showed up. I went up and explained my signature tattoo idea and asked him to sign my figure ( didn't come out right) and asked him if he could sign a paper I got from wade.
"I am very humbled by your request" he said as he took it to a nearby table so he could have a better backing.
 l got it inked at a later date (more on that later). sometimes the world isn't as dire and sometimes 28 days later it and you are still here. And it's good.

with great power: the stan Lee tattoo

Peter Parker: [voiceover] Who am I? You sure you want to know? The story of my life is not for the faint of heart. If somebody said it was a happy little tale... if somebody told you I was just your average ordinary guy, not a care in the world... somebody lied.

yes I know Stan lee didn't work alone
yes I know he's not directly cinema related
but the characters he helped create have been a part of media for a looooong time. I mean look at his contribution to cinema...the"marvel cinematic universe" alone.

as a kid everyone always said I was bright. In kinder I made a painting the teacher talked to my parents about it and the following year I was placed in gifted classes...obviously it didn't last but that was largely because school was the only place I had to get away from the troubles at home. It was a vacation for me and I never was able to focus...one teacher got so frustrated when I was in second grade that he sent me to kindergarten classes for a few days.

my life was just full of a lot of adults who failed me. No one knew about the abuse at home. My own father let me down the most but at the same time he's part of the reason I'm a geek and he gave me tools that helped me escape from the harsh reality of my home life.

For a whole week growing up when my parents were still together my dad and I put together a jumbo sized marvel characters puzzle in the dinning room table, causing us to have to eat in the living room.

Dad is an army man who when I was a tyke would go around entertaining me with hulk impersonations...when my parents divorced and my mom met my stepfather one of the first acts he did was taking my action figures to the swapmeet. My childhood gone but not forgotten. My issues as a child paled in comparison to say Spiderman (fav) fighting doctor octopus or the fantastic four fighting a guy who eats worlds....stan lee was someone I didn't think I would ever get a signature tattoo from but then one day at comickazee it happened. 09/15/12 Days before my 32nd bday I was in line with my youngest sister at a comic convention. An assistant read out what item people wanted signed
POSTER!
COMIC!
"what did you bring to get signed?"
"my arm..."
"ARM!"
then it was my time and I swear ...i got that feeling of time standing still. Everybody around me faded and it was just me and Stan...i just thanked him...over and over...he helped me so much on those nights I wished I was stronger so I wouldn't bruise as hard...or when I wished I could fly away from it all. This signature..this tattoo that one was for me..for that kid that made it through.

rise above: the Henry rollins tattoo

once upon a time I had cable in my room.
once upon a time my girlfriend (yeah CIS female) introduced me to Henry Rollins...now MTV circa 1997 was an interesting time. Around that time I was beginning to accept my sexuality.
now I was a queer punker by that point..blossoming punker really.
so by that point I developed a crush on Travis barker. But one faithful evening veronica got giddy when the "Liar" music video came on.
so veronica is sitting there grinning...and I'm sitting there trying not to get giddy myself.
so I'm sitting at book soup 10/27/11 as Henry Rollins is talking about his book of photos /essay "occupants."
"I try to fight the man a little every day.."
he's perfect...mainly because of his passion for social change.
many a times at occupy LA I crushed on guys like him....now just to be clear this wasn't just some school girl crush. Ask anyone who their favorite black flag frontman is and you'll hear any of a number of answers (Keith Morris is mu fav). Now...black flag was a part of the early LA punk scene.  I already had a blue germs circle tattoo and wanted to get the black flag bars inked...i just didn't know how to not have them be the standard design. See in terms of iconic punk logos the bars are up there with the crimson ghost skull (still haven't gotten that one yet). So one day it hit me...celluloid strips!
see I discovered my love of punk and cinema roughly at the same time so it made sense.
Henry Rollins was the first time I broke the rules I had established for myself on signatures. Obviously not a filmmaker but still influential to punk and for a bit also film. When we talked briefly I mentioned his IFC show.
most of the filmmakers that had signed my arm were on his show.

vindication when he stated he "was checking out my tattoo and liked it." met him at a later date..."thanks for your contribution to punk but above all thanks for your support of the lgbtq community" it was one of those sincere moments where he put his pen down and talked to me honest and sincerely.
"I don't see how someone can't. I wish most of these politicians would just be more honest and say they're just homophobes."
swoon

the Edgar Wright tattoo: or how i learned to stop worrying and love sex bob-omb

It's not everyday that you find yourself walking around randomly with a cute blonde haired blue eyed former army guy who was kicked out due to pot use who happened to be bi...but it happened once and I was crushing.
By my early 20's I was living with roomates and a guy I was dating in north Hollywood.
the blonde in question was named Geoffrey.
 how Geoffrey ended up in my life is a long story...the most relevant part is that Geoffrey had no idea what male interaction was like. He was new to the queer scene so I took it upon myself to show him around.
In my early twenties I myself was trying to figure the whole queer thing. A posting I made on Craigslist looking for volunteering opportunities in the queer community led me to an organization working on marriage equality. Before proposition 8 even existed.
And that's how Geoffrey wound up in a trendy silverlake bar talking to British tourist about the miracle of Shaun of the dead....wearing a Shaun beannie.
around the time Geoffrey entered my life so did "spaced" having a multi region player I got found out about a geeky sitcom from the UK and introduced the whole house to it. Everyone fell in love with it. I found out about Shaun of the dead shortly after and had the DVD months before it was released in theaters state side. We had a screening of it at the house and Geoffrey went bat shit crazy over it.
Geofrrey is a story of my biggest unrequited love. My association with him lasted a few months after our north Hollywood apartment. We made out a few times, he said he cared for me...but someone of his looks in the queer scene...well let me put it this way...one night at a gay club he made out with both a gay guy and that guys female friend...i just couldn't compete.
all of that came to mind as I watched"Scott pilgrim vs the world." the classic love story of the everyman crushing on someone more cultured (as stated in chasing Amy..someone who's done things you've only read about in books). By that point my love of Edgar Wright was established. Obviously a fan of spaced and the cornetto trilogy... I trusted him.
I always approach cinematic endeavors carefully...too many failed expectations etc..
by the time the opening credits started (WE ARE SEX BOB-OMB 1234!) my brain stopped worrying and I let it flow...now you know that third eye blind song"semi charmed kind of life"? There is a part of the lyrics on the power of music to make the protagonist of the song weep if done styistically right (four right cords can make me cry).
that's sort of how I am with cinema...sometimes the right pairing of style and acting music etc (think the significance of van Gogh in that doctor who episode) can make me weep.
so Scott pilgrim had me balling during most of the movie...a chance at unrequited love with someone you otherwise dismiss as being out of your league.
11/11/10 I showed up to amoeba and waited in a somewhat long line for a Scott pilgrim signing. I had secured a ticket by purchasing a DVD and brought a long a poster with me to get signed by Edgar Wright and most of the cast. I had already met Edgar Wright at the Kevin Smith spaced signing (where Kevin signed my arm) but now using the rule of three and in a post Scott pilgrim world I was all game to have Edgar sign my arm.
problem was that it was one item per person. In line we were all nervous.
A. We were all fans
B. Most of the cast was there
you know war movies where soldiers nervously talk amongst themselves about some girl back home they're marrying when they get back etc? Well that was the whole line.
I made single serving friends including one guy who also brought a poster and told me he already had a frame for it.
as we got closer in line the anticipation grew. I saw one kid who just got his DVD signed walk past the line sort of shocked and too stunned but do anything but grin and mumble to his awaiting friends...then it was my turn. I went down the line getting my poster signed ultimately ending up at Michael Cera who I developed a crush on as he refused to let me move on as he geeked over my tattoos...
"hey what's that one?"
"well I have filmmakers sign my arm and I get it tattooed on..."
"oh that's cool...but hitchhikers guide to the galaxy! Nice!"
Jason Schwartzman who was sitting next to Edgar Wright (and is one of my favorite actors)
apologized for the wait and I assured him it was cool. So I told.Edgar Wright about my project...told him I would have him sign my arm if it wasn't just one item per person.
"I'll sign it!" he said
"but where?" Jason Schwartzman said
 he sprung up from the table and came around the table to where I was standing and he signed it. He stood there and looked at it for a second.
Years later at a signing for "the worlds end" (also at amoeba) I showed him the tattoo and he remembered me and signing the tattoo and took a picture which he poster on his twitter.
lost track of Geoffrey. He still stands as a unrequited love. Everyone has one.
probably better he didn't end up with those British tourist that night we did outreach for marriage equality in silverlake that night.
they hated Shaun of the dead.